It's hard not to have someone to talk to. Especially when you're used to having your other half, the person you can talk to about everything, on the floor above you. I've never really depended on my friends, and always thought it a bother when they wanted to hang out all the frickin' time. I had my sister: I never really thought about what I would when she wasn't around anymore.
Okay, she isn't dead, but she's not here, and it doesn't really matter that she's across the country in Stockholm; It doesn't matter that it only takes a few hours by train to get there, and it doesn't matter that I can call her. She's not here.
She's just... not here.
The truth is that ever since she left, I've been struggling with myself every day. The Fluoxetin doesn't seem to be doing its job anymore. I haven't been to school in over a week, I've skipped a really important exam and lied about it, I have two tests coming up next week I haven't even begun studying for, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself together. I feel like I'm losing control of everything, but I can't talk to anyone about it. My friends are busy with their lives: I know they'd come running the moment they suspected something was wrong, but I don't want to burden them. I can't talk to my mom, my dad, or my grandma, because they think I'm just playing it up. The looks they exchange behind my back hurt. The way they don't really have any faith in me hurts.
I even skipped band practice last week - the one thing that makes me feel better - because I felt slightly under the weather and thought I was coming down with a cold. Instead of hanging out with Joanna and Annelie, I spent my evening in front of the tv watching "16 and pregnant". Such a bloody waste of time.
I just... What do you do when you feel like everything you've worked so hard for is falling apart? How do you fight something you can't even see, something that seems permanently fixed in your mind, and that takes you down when you least expect it?
I don't want to be a whiny bitch. I want to be strong, and brave, and all those other qualities I admire in people I know and want to meet. I want to get into med school and play music and talk about writing lyrics with Rufus Wainwright.
I want everything to stop hurting. I just want the world to go away.
that I can visit her every once in a whilewhen you're used to always have people around you, and then find yourself without
